I'm Fine

Sometimes I feel as though depression is my wicked step-sister. Just as I feel like I am going to get to go to the ball, she rips apart the dress the mice and birds made for me, leaving me ragged an alone again. After over a year of having to "overcome" I had several good weeks. I was finding a new direction in my life, and taking real, and solid steps toward new goals. Then, out of nowhere, crying, and not just teary eyes, sobs, full fledged sobs complete with gasps for air in between.

Why? I'm not sure. My first mistake, was letting myself get too tired. Exhaustion, physical or mental, dangle me right on the edge of a meltdown, even if the rest of my world is all roses and sunshine. All it takes is a hard wind to blow me right over the emotional cliff, landing hard on whatever harsh reality waits below.

Second, I have, as usual, been doing the "I'm fine" game. This is a game I have mastered over the years. Sometimes I play it with friends, other times I play it with myself, but most often its both. I'm fine, because I need to be strong for my daughter. I'm fine, because I don't want to look like you are getting to me. I'm fine, because someone I care about has a bigger problem than I do. I'm fine, because I have a job to go to, a child to raise, a dog to take care of, work to get done, and a house and laundry to keep up with. I'm fine, because I am telling myself I am fine, and that not being fine is just not an option. I, occasionally, convince myself that its true. I look around and think, "Huh, look at that. I feel ok." Right up until I have 5 minutes of quiet, alone with my thoughts. Suddenly, I get hit by an emotional tidal wave and crumb like wet paper.

So I let myself cry. I sobbed, and sobbed until I could pull it together enough to get out of the house. Then I got in the car, and turned up my "angry" music so loud I couldn't hear myself singing along any more, and I let myself get really pissed. Pissed at myself, at the people who have hurt me, and just in general. After that, I spent some time just being me with the person who knows me better than anyone else, and that, again, made me cry. I spent a good part of the next day sleeping, recovering from the emotional exhaustion and trying to make up for lost sleep from earlier in the week. But at last, this magical thing happened. I was fine. Not just in words or fine like I'll be fine eventually, but really fine. And the glass slipper fit.

We live in a feel good society, a society in which happiness is valued above all else. We have book stores with whole self-help sections devoted to finding happiness, keeping happiness, being optimistic. Magazines, from fashion to health, have article after article about how to be happy, be happy with your sex life, be happy with your body, be happy with you career. Right now, we are even in the season of merriment and joy. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, God bless us every one, and Joy to the World. Happy, happy, happy…we are obsessed with happiness. You must love yourself in order to be happy. You must do a job you love in order to be happy. You must be optimistic. You must count your blessings. You must have God in your heart. You must eat right to be happy. You must get plenty of exercise to be happy. There are even constant messages about what doesn’t make us happy. Money doesn’t bring us happiness. Power doesn’t bring us happiness. Some experts make you believe that being alone can bring you happiness, while other experts make you imply you will only be happy when you find that perfect mate.

We value happiness to a degree that things and people who are unpleasant or unhappy make us uncomfortable. Seeing a stranger cry makes us want to leave instead of embrace them. Certain topics of conversation are avoided in general conversation. When asked “how are you today?” rarely, is t seen as expectable to respond with anything less than ok. People who reject that norm are seen as downers, weirdos, strange.

Maybe, it is just me being a glass half empty kind of a person, but I can’t help but feel that all these messages imply that if you are not happy, you must be doing something wrong. You must not be grateful enough for what is good in your life. You must be focused on the wrong things. Try looking at the positive and not the negative. You must have low self esteem.  You need to have more faith in God.  You need a job you love, or at least enjoy. What about your health? Are you neglecting your health? Try exercise. What about yoga and meditation?

As someone who suffers from clinical depression, I can tell you, often, I am not happy. That’s right I said it. I AM NOT HAPPY! Not because I am not grateful for my husband, my kids, the roof over our heads, the food we eat and clothes on our backs.  I see all those things as positive and I thank God for them every single day. I am even grateful for the beautiful view of the mountain I have on the way to work, or the fact that cupcakes and girl’s nights exist. It is not because I haven’t found God. Not because I have a crappy diet and don’t exercise enough (though I will admit that does not help.) It is truly not because I hate my job, because I am one of those lucky people who is working a job I really love.  And you know what else, brace yourself for this one, I don’t like Christmas. I am not a scrooge, and my heart is not 3 sizes too small. I am quite kind and generous. I love to watch people receive the gifts I have spent hours finding for them. (And yes I will spend hours to find something that I feel is just right.) I adore watching my girls’ light up at the sight of goodies under the tree Christmas morning. I have many, many moments of happiness. Sometimes who days, or weeks, but eventually the depression always creeps back in, and because I felt for so long that it was something I was controlling, it made me feel really bad about myself, which, in turn, made me more depressed. I think, especially at the holidays it is important to know that depression is something you treat, learn how to cope with, find way to work around, but that